How much poison have you drunk this year?
Thursday, December 8, 2011 at 8:00PM "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." (author unknown)
I just love this quote! In the past I have been a bit inclined towards grudge holding - not always long term grudges, but certainly grudges of great emotional intensity! Over the last few years I have been liberated somewhat from this habit and have felt much better for it. However, over the last 6 months we have been delivering a lot of our "Dealing with Difficult People" courses and I have been amazed by how often people get hooked into another's bad behaviour and hold grudges with the dedication that an Olympian would envy. So, before we get into the season of catching up with family and friends, the tensions this can sometimes cause, deciding who will and will not be invited, who to sit next to who etc etc, think about this:
Who are you holding a grudge against?
Who is being hurt (poisoned) by this grudge?
What can you do about it?
It can be useful to acknowledge that sometimes we feel hurt by others actions (whether intentional or not) and that we also sometimes create hurt. However, the dissection of a grudge is often like unravelling a game of Chinese whispers; trying to figure out what actually happened can be very difficult because we each remember events from our own perspective and through our own "filters'. So, instead of trying to prove who was right and who was wrong, it can be more liberating to think about:
How you may have contributed to th event?
Whether it is hurting you to hold the grudge?
Whether holding the grudge is ever going to change the other persons (past or future) behaviour?
We can only be responsible for our thoughts, our feelings and our own behavioural changes. To get freedom from a grudge doesn't have to depend on the other person apologising or making amends. We can get freedom from it within ourselves and through the energy we give it.
Think about what lesson you can take from the experience that lead you to holding the grudge, and decide to move on with this new knowledge, and wipe the slate clean with the grudgee. This doesn't mean you have to pretend that they never hurt you or that you allow them to walk all over you in the future. It means that you are acknowledging that you are not going to be stuck in the negative energy of the past and that you will move forward respecting the other person is creating their own path in life, just as you can create yours. You may decide that you need to maintain stronger boundaries or distance between yourself and this person, even that you may never wish to engage with them again. Depending on how they've hurt you, this may actually be quite a good idea. However, whether you see them again or not, the idea is that you will not attach the same emotional intensity to them or their actions. You will not allow them to continue hurting and affecting you through reliving events of the past. It may take time and practice to feel yourself letting go of your grudge, after all, you probably rehashed the reasons for the grudge over and over again and it can take a while to undo this intensity. However, if you don't want to be stuck drinking the poison, it may just be worth it.
What grudges can you shake off this year, to move into 2012 more peacefully?
Some ideas to let go of grudges that are hurting you are:
Write a letter to the grudgee about what and how they've hurt you and then burn or bury the letter, deciding for yourself that you are now going to let go in your own best interest.
Make some time to meet with your grudgee and talk calmly about why you are holding the grudge and that you want to let go of it (this will only work if you are able to manage your emotions in this meeting and accept that your perspective of events may be different to the other persons, and so you need to respect their perspective even if it contradicts your own).
Write yourself a list of all the lessons you can learn from the experience and put those lessons into practice.
Write yourself a list of the ways you and the grudgee are similar and increase your empathy for them.
Meditate on letting go of the negative energy that you are holding on to (do this every time you find yourself pondering your grudge).
Lastly, recognse that this is a process and give yourself some grace that it may take time and don't beat yourself up about the process!
I'd love to hear how you go with this.
Kind regards,
Tasha
Reader Comments (6)
When I read the title I was like "well none of course", but then I read the article. Oops, maybe I HAVE drank some after all!
Ruben Pijanowski
Medcom Soft
Good content and also is very useful.thanks a lot
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Great! This is very helpful to read all of its content. Thanks a lot Tasha for sharing this idea hope everyone would be happy if they put their into hearts when they read this.
- Shelena
What an interesting ideas you have suggested for how to deal with difficult person.I really impress by this your suggested idea of writing a letter to the grudgee about what and how they've hurt you and then burn or bury the letter, deciding for yourself that you are now going to let go in your own best interest.
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